


alius universitatis fabula

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Connor does english fight me, Friends to Lovers, I'm procrastinating again, I've got midterms next week, IVE GOT MIDTERMS TOMORROW HELP, M/M, Pining, Roommates, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, They didn’t know each other, i have exams next week
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-03-22 20:34:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13772034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: Connor never expected to make it this far. He wants to get his degree and move on. If only his roommate would stop bringing his cute friend around.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor Murphy, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t an idiot. He skipped class, smoked behind the school during lunch, and generally didn’t turn in his work, but he wasn’t stupid. The assignments he did turn in were always returned with “100” written and circled with red ink in the corner. His lack of motivation frustrated his teachers to no end but there wasn’t much they could do, not when Connor turned in the bare minimum of work to pass. It was pure luck his english teacher had managed to talk him into applying to college. The selling point was the list of school she had given him, all of which had creative writing programs and were hours away from his hometown. All of those things were now in the past. Connor had applied to college, somehow got in, and graduated high school all in the span of six months. Now he sat in the passenger seat of his mother’s lexus on his way to either his free or a new kind of hell. Cynthia had spent the better part of the first four hours trying to talk to him. She had since given up and they sat in silence. Not complete silence, Cynthia had called Larry who was with Zoe in the car ahead of them. She wanted to know what exit to get off at, despite the fact they were going to be on the interstate for another three hours, in case they were seperated. Earlier Connor had wanted to know why they couldn’t have just taken one car, it would have be easier than having to try and follow, but after the argument he had gotten into with Zoe when they had stopped to have lunch and rest it made sense. They were trying to have one normal memory before dropping Connor off. Afterall, none of them knew if Connor would make it back for Christmas or not. It was cynical to think about, but they were leaving Connor on his own. Who knows what he might get up to? Connor was putting his money on hard drugs, he wouldn’t be the only one. He had no doubt that’s what Larry and Zoe were talking about in the other car. 

“Exit 224?” Cynthia asked for what had to be the third time. Connor resisted the urge he had to roll his eyes and went back to staring out the window. 

“Yes, Cyn. 224. Lee Street which becomes Gate City.” 

“Alright alright, I just want to be sure. I’d hate to accidentally miss it and then have to turn around. Today is already stressful enough.” Connor did roll his eyes at that one. He had hoped Cynthia wouldn’t notice but it’s like she had a sixth sense for knowing when Connor was throwing sass. “I’ve got to go, focus on driving and on spending quality time with Connor before he’s gone.” Connor mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “about time” but if Cynthia noticed she didn’t say anything. “Call us back if you want to stop anytime soon. Love you, dear.” 

“Love you too, Cynthia.” 

Larry hung up the phone first. Cynthia handed hers to Connor who hung up for her. Connor doubted Larry gave Zoe his phone to deal with the phone call. She might be the favorite child but he still didn’t give her the privilege of using his phone because that’s what is was. A privilege. One Connor didn’t care to have.

“Connor, sweetheart, you know you’re allowed to talk to me.” 

“I know.” Cynthia sighed. Connor frowned and shifted so he was facing his mom. “I don’t have anything good to say. As I’m sure you remember Lar-dad said if I don’t have anything good to say than not to say anything at all.” 

“It doesn’t matter to me if it’s good or not. You’re my son, my only son, I want to hear what you have to say.” 

“Dad and Zoe think I’m going to go straight to drugs and alcohol.” 

“You’re not.” 

“How do you know that?” 

“Because you’re my baby. You haven’t made the best decisions in the past, but you’re sincere. You’ve made an effort this past year to get better, I know you won’t throw that all away.”

“I’m glad someone does.” 

“They know you won’t, Connor. They’re just worried about you.”

“They sure do have a great way of showing it. Don’t do this, Connor. I shouldn’t have to give the druggie a ride to school, Dad. Connor can ride the bus, Cynthia, you’re babying him too much.” Connor didn’t miss the way his mom smiled at his horrendous imitations of Larry and Zoe. He also didn’t miss the flash of hurt in her eyes. He felt bad, but not too much. Everything he said had been true. 

“College can be a new start, sweetie. You don’t have to be Connor Murphy anymore if you don’t want to. You can be anyone you want to be.” 

“You mean I don’t have to be Connor Murphy, the freak who threw a printer in the second grade with three suicide attempts under his belt.”

“Is that how you see yourself?” 

“How else should I see myself?”

“Connor Murphy, the teenager who found something that made him happy and locked onto it. Connor Murphy who defied everyone’s expectations and got into university. Connor Murphy who isn’t running away, but going somewhere that’s going to be good to him. Connor Murphy, the teenager whose mother is so proud of him. You’re going places, Connor. And I’ll support you the whole way.”

“And if I want to get help?” It was the taboo topic of the Murphy household. Connor’s desire to get help for something that, according to his father, didn’t exist because Connor couldn’t possibly be anything other than perfect. 

“If you want to get help then I’m sure your father wouldn’t notice if I gave you a bit extra for your weekly allowances. Check the glove compartment.” Connor gave Cynthia a confused look but opened the glove compartment anyways. Inside he found a manila folder with his name on it. “It’s the allowances we didn’t give you in high school. Larry insisted I didn’t take the money out, but I knew the day would come when you’d need it. There’s also a list of specialists in Greensboro. Go to everyone of them if you have to, don’t stop until you’re satisfied.” 

Connor wiped at his eyes. He wasn’t about to start crying in front of Cynthia. He hadn’t done that since last Christmas and that was only because she had started crying that he was still there.

“Thank you, Mom.” 

“I love you, Connor. Don’t forget that, okay?”

“I won’t.” Connor carefully put the envelope into his backpack. “Love you too.” He quietly added on.


	2. ch 2

It took another four hours to arrive to the school after they stopped once more to stretch their legs and take a break from driving. Connor managed to keep himself in check after the heart to heart he had with Cynthia and didn’t snap at Zoe or Larry during their break. They seemed shocked by his lack of attitude. Connor ignored their looks and instead focused on his book. Connor was done with driving and ready to start pulling his hair out when they finally pulled into the parking deck at the university. They were met by a group of students who Connor felt were not getting paid enough to deal with parents and demanding students. The whole process was at least easy. The students unloaded the car and put his things into carts which were then driven to the dorm. Connor had wanted to stay with his parents but they, along with the students, insisted he be the one to ride with the overly cheerful student to the dorm. 

“You’re going to love Reynolds! It’s a recently remodeled tower-style residence hall. There are seven floors of student rooms, plus two common floors-”

Connor zoned out. He didn’t care what Sadie, was that her name? He wasn’t listening when she introduced herself. He didn’t care about her or what she had to say. He didn’t plan on making friends with anyone. Any friends he did try to make would turn out like they always do, friendly until they learned what kind of person he truly was. Then they’d run at the first opportunity. It was easier to isolate himself than go through the process over and over. 

There was a lot of activity going on when they reached the dorm. Connor took a few deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists, before getting off of the cart. They were moving his stuff again. He just took his backpack and walked to the tables. Connor zoned out again. He picked up his key, somehow bought a t-shirt for the dorm which he was going to give to Zoe, and followed his stuff to the elevators. By the time he made it upstairs he was done with human contact. This was already more than he could deal with. 

Connor arrived first judging by the lack of roommate. He figured they’d either arrive later in the day or tomorrow. If it had been Connor’s choice he would have come the next day. He hadn’t had enough time to meet up with his dealer before Larry and Cynthia were pushing him into the car. He’d have to find a dealer somewhere on campus, he had no doubts there would be one. He wanted to get better, and he was going to, but it was always nice to have a backup plan. 

Connor and another student pulled his things from the new cart onto the floor. Then she wished him a good first day and left him alone. Connor wasn’t sure if his parents would be coming to help him. He didn’t need their help unpacking but it would have been nice. He didn’t think they’d leave without saying goodbye but he wouldn’t put it past them. Zoe had spent much of the last break complaining about being dragged along. She was the favorite child, he had no doubt they’d leave if she asked nicely enough. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. Connor threw his backpack onto the twin bed as gently as he could and started sorting through his belongings. He wasn’t sure where half of the things came from. Connor had packed his suitcase, backpack, and a small tub. He was certain he hadn’t packed the other two tubs but had been high the night before. He could have easily thrown things in them that he considered important. 

There was fervent knocking on the door. “Connor, sweetheart, it’s us open up!” 

Ah. They hadn’t left him after all. Connor opened the door and walked back towards his bed. He’d start with unpacking his laptop. His family walked into the room. Connor could hear the moment they realized how he’d be living for the next nine months. He could already see the angry letter his dad would be writing to the school, “No son of mine will live in these cramped conditions”. Connor scoffed. 

“It’s very,” Cynthia began. Connor interrupted her. 

“Small? Cramped? Not to the Murphy style?” 

“Homely. It has potential.” Cynthia walked to one of the tubs. That explained it, she packed them. She opened one of them and pulled out a bedding set Connor remembered asking for once a few years ago. His dad had said no. “Is this alright? I remember you wanted it.” 

“He wanted it a few years ago, mom.” Zoe said as she opened the small tub. She made a face at Connor. He shrugged and motioned towards the desk. Zoe rolled her eyes and started lining the books on the desk. 

“Oh, that’s right. If you want something else we can go pick something up.” 

“S’fine. Never said I stopped wanting it. I just stopped asking for it.”

Larry hadn’t said anything yet but he was helping Cynthia make the bed. The whole dynamic was weird. There wasn’t any arguing. No one was getting mad at his clothing choices. They were acting like they had the week after he got out of the hospital the last time, like the slightest movement might send him running to a locked bathroom. And oh. They were worried about him. Connor smirked. He knew his mom was going to be worried, but Larry and Zoe? That was icing on the cake. He could hold this above their heads, or at least Zoe’s, for weeks. Though, Connor couldn’t exactly blame them for being worried. The last time they left him by himself he slit his wrist in a bathtub. Since then Connor couldn’t go two feet without one of them calling to find out where he was. He was honestly surprised they were okay with him going to school eight hours away. It was probably a trust thing. He had improved since the beginning of senior year. He was no longer actively seeking death and had backed away from the more “hardcore” drugs. He appreciated the independence, he really did, it was just a bit strange after having dealt with one of them nearby 24/7 the previous year. 

Connor and Zoe organized his desk. He was surprised she remembered how he liked his books to be organized. She had only misplaced Macbeth but it was a small thing and he could look past it. While they did the desk, Larry and Cynthia finished making his bed and started putting things up in the closet. They all worked in a peaceful silence. It was nice. Connor was starting to get used to it when they finished. His half of the room was unpacked and looked significantly less dreary. 

“It still feels like it’s missing something.” Cynthia said from the doorway. She was looking over Connor’s half with critical eyes. 

“Seems finished to me.” Connor said as he climbed onto the bed. Zoe was already sitting on it scrolling through her phone. He nudged her and she moved over. 

“Yeah, it’s already more homely than his room at home.” Zoe said without looking up. Connor flicked her and she stuck her tongue out at him. 

“I’ll figure out what’s missing, just give me a few days.”

“When you do don’t drive all the way back down here. I’ll get an uber or something and go pick it up.” Larry and Cynthia shared a look. Connor wondered what he said wrong. “Am I missing something?” 

“Connor, Zoe and I drove your car down here.” 

“Yeah, I noticed.” 

Larry sighed and pulled the keys from his pocket. He set them down on the bed. “We drove your car down here because we’re leaving it with you.” 

“Oh.” Connor said. He looked at Cynthia, then Larry, and lastly Zoe. “Oh. I didn’t think you’d trust me with my car.” 

“We didn’t,” Larry began. “Not at first. But your mother and I talked about it a few weeks ago and decided it’d be safer to leave it with you than letting you get rides with strangers.” 

“Oh. I, um, thank you.” 

Silence. A long and awkward silence. Connor couldn’t remember the last time he had thanked Larry for anything. It was usually just screams or anger meant to get under his skin. 

“Right. Well, we should get going. It’s a long drive back home.” Larry finally said. 

Connor nodded and watched as they gathered the things they’d be taking home. Zoe slid off his bed and onto the floor but not without giving him a hug. Connor blinked and watched in awe as she walked from the room. 

“Did you need anything else, honey?” 

“I don’t think so. I’ll probably just spend the night watching Netflix, not really feeling dinner.” Cynthia frowned. “I’ll eat something mom, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you guys packed out entire pantry.” Connor motioned towards the third tub which he had discovered contained all of his favorite snacks, including some they hadn’t bought in years. 

“Okay. I’ll call later, when we get home.” Cynthia looked like she was about to cry. Connor really hoped she didn't. If she cried than he might start crying. 

“Let’s go, Cyn. Zoe’s already at the car.” 

“Bye, Connor. Remember, college can be your new start.” 

They both smiled and then walked out of the room leaving Connor alone. Unlike when the student left earlier, Connor was actually alone. His parents weren’t coming back. They were driving eight hours home where they’d stay. Connor spent most of his life dreaming about this moment, he didn’t know why his heart hurt so much. Was it because the familiarity of home was gone? Was it because he really was starting over? He didn’t know anyone in Greensboro. Everything was new. He really was starting over. 

Connor took a deep breath and let it out. Cynthia was right. This was his new start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my "Im procrastinating retro ad" fic


	3. Chapter 3

Connor spent the night watching Netflix and browsing twitter in bed. His roommate didn’t show up and he briefly humored himself with the idea of his roommate not showing up at all. Having the room to himself would have been nice, his family could have afforded it and probably would have forked out the money if he had asked. But Connor wanted the college experience, and that included a randomly assigned roommate based off of a questionnaire he answered while high. If he was lucky his roommate would have the same “fuck everyone, don’t talk to me” kind of personality Connor had. Of course, his fantasy didn’t last forever. The next day more people were moving into the dorm. He had been woken up early in the morning by talking families in the hall. Connor didn’t get up to venture out, instead choosing to finish his Netflix binge from the night before. He peacefully sat on his bed watching Netflix and eating pretzels until two. That’s when it happened.

He heard them before he saw them. Most people moving in passed right by his door. Their voices were loud and then they faded away. These ones didn’t. They got louder and louder until Connor could tell they were right outside. A key turned in the lock. Connor reached over to his desk and picked up his headphones. He plugged them in at the same time the door swung open. Four people pushed the cart into the room. There was the same student who had helped him yesterday. She started unloading while the other three spoke in hushed tones. There were two boys that looked to be about Connor’s age. He wasn’t sure which one would be the roommate. He hoped it was the blond. He was cute and Connor was very gay. He would be alright with waking up to see him every morning. He assumed the woman was his mother. They looked alike, had the same hair and eyes. The glasses boy seemed to be taking charge of the unpacking and Connor had a strong feeling he was the future roommate. 

“Oh!” It seemed like the blonde woman finally noticed him. “You must Connor, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Heidi. This is my son Evan and my sort of nephew Jared.” 

Evan. That was the blond boy's name. He looked like an Evan, Connor liked it. Heidi seemed like a good name for her. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Jared. He knew a kid named Jared once, he was a douchebag. There were a number of things Connor could say. He decided to go for the least offensive one. 

“Sort of nephew?” 

“Family friends,” Jared answered. “Heidi’s been there my whole life so she’s essentially my aunt. I guess that makes you my cousin, Evan. A forbidden romance.” Evan started blushing and sputtering out a response. Jared cut him off. “Relax, dude. I’m kidding. Heidi would kill me if I ever made a move on you.” 

“Damn right I would.” 

Connor snorted. He paused his show and set his laptop down to the side. He could already tell this was going to be amusing. He didn’t want to miss any of it. 

“So Connor,” Heidi began as she started making the bed. “Where are you from?” 

“New York City, ma’am.” 

“Did you fly down here?” Jared asked. He was currently setting up a desktop. Apparently, Jared hadn’t heard of laptops. 

“Parents and I drove down yesterday. They also drove back halfway. They stopped in DC for the night and got back earlier this morning.” 

“Wh-What’s the city like?” Connor could see why Evan hadn’t spoken before. He sounded nervous. Connor wouldn’t blame Evan for being afraid of him. Most people were afraid. It was less when they were alone but Evan wasn't alone. Evan had both his mom and Jared with him. Connor figured he was just a nervous person. It made sense. 

“Loud. There’s something going on every day. Most visitors find it annoying but for me, it’s home. Sirens, drunken idiots, and street performers all make it the city I love.” Connor watched as Evan struggled to put things up. Was he really about to do this? He watched Evan drop a textbook. “Evan, do you need help?” 

“Oh, um, it’s fine. I’ve got it.” He dropped the entire box. “I’m fine.” 

“Jesus Christ, Ev, take his help.” Jared said from somewhere under the desk. 

“O-okay. If you’re fine with helping I’d really appreciate it.” 

“Wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to help.” Connor slid off his bed and made his way to Evan who was picking books from the floor. “Where should I put these?” 

“Top shelf of the closet. You can just throw them up there, I’ll sort through them later.” 

Connor ignored Jared’s advice of throwing his books into the closet and instead lined them on the shelf. There was no real order to them, not like Connor’s books had, but it would do. He put everything Evan handed him on the shelf. Somewhere in the room Jared was cursing and apologizing to Heidi everytime she called him out on it. 

“Thank you, Connor.” Evan said softly. He wasn’t looking at Connor but he was smiling. Connor decided very quickly he was willing to burn down the world if it meant seeing Evan smile again. 

“Happy to help.” He wanted to offer more help to Evan. He wanted to ask about his life. Where was he going to school? Where did he live? Was he single? Sadly Jared got to him first. 

“Hey Ev, wanna help me finish setting up the desktop? No offense, Heidi, but you’re pretty bad at this.” 

“None taken, Jared. Connor, do you know how the raise the beds? Jared would like a loft but I don’t know how exactly to make it so.” 

Connor wasn’t sure either, but he wanted to help. Call it part of his plan for making a new start. He didn’t have to befriend Jared but being on his nice side might bring Evan over in the future. 

The four of them worked on putting together Jared’s side of the room much like Connor’s family had with his own the previous day. Only, there weren’t any awkward silences. Connor wasn’t worried about saying the wrong thing or snapping at any of them. He learned Jared had an interesting sense of humor. He was able to see why the two of them were matched up as roommates. He also found out that Jared and Evan were from Greensboro, the only reason Jared was living on campus rather than commuting was to follow along with his scholarship requirements. Evan was going to Guilford Tech in order to get an Associate in Science before transferring over to UNCG for a degree in biology. Heidi worked as a nurses aid at the local hospital during the day and attended Elon Law at night.

It was nearly three pm when they had the room set up to Jared’s standards. It took another half hour for Evan to be satisfied. Evan added a more personalized touch in the form of a bonsai and cactus, the latter of which he gifted to Connor saying that “everyone needs a plant friend”. 

Jared and Evan were sitting on Jared’s bed while Heidi gathered up the things she and Evan would be taking back. Connor sat on his own bed watching as Jared and Evan said their goodbyes. Connor figured it wasn’t going to be for long. They seemed close and with this being their hometown Connor had no doubt Evan would be visiting in the near future. 

“Well, Jared, I think we’re about ready to leave.” 

“Damn, here I thought I was going to be able to hide Evan in the closet and keep him here.” Heidi gave Jared a look. “Sorry about my language. Please forgive me, second mom.” 

“I will, but only because we’re leaving you here. Come give me a hug.” 

Jared had no problems rolling off the bed so he could hug Heidi goodbye. Connor had been hesitant with his own mom, he hadn’t hugged Cynthia or Larry. He hadn’t thought about it yesterday. He wasn’t going to see either of them until Thanksgiving in three months. He missed his opportunity to properly tell them goodbye. 

Evan looked to be more nervous about hugging Jared. Despite how close they seemed there was some sort of tension hanging between the two of them. Connor really hoped that tension would affect Evan coming and visiting. 

“Bye, Jared.” Evan said as he took a few of the boxes from Heidi. Before the two left Evan looked over and smiled at Connor. “Bye Connor.” 

Heidi gave them the same goodbyes but Connor’s eyes were on Evan. He watched as the two of them left through the door leaving Connor and Jared alone in the room. Connor didn’t go back to Netflix yet. He watched Jared move around the room switching a few things around. He didn’t trust Jared, not yet. There was nothing telling him he shouldn’t trust Jared, he seemed like a nice enough guy, but Connor didn’t have the best track record when it came to judging characters. 

Jared was digging around in his dresser. Connor had seen him put a bunch of cables in it earlier. “So, Connor, have you explored campus yet?” 

“Nope.” 

“Well, I’ve got a Wii and Mario Kart.” Jared pulled the game system and two controllers from the drawer. “Wanna play and then be horribly lost tomorrow when classes start?”

Connor’s eyes lit up. 

“Hell yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a midterm tomorrow lol rip


	4. Chapter 4

Connor did get horribly lost the next day but he didn’t regret staying up to play Mario Kart. Jared had snuck a bottle of wine into his belongings. As they drank they got progressively worse in both gaming and their verbal filters. Connor found out a lot about Evan and Jared’s relationship. They had grown up together but drifted apart in middle school. Their friendship at that point was only being held together by the fact that Evan’s mom was close with Jared’s parents. Jared told Connor about how he almost fucked up their friendship completely until a mutual acquaintance turned friend knocked some sense into both of them senior year. Connor learned Evan had broken his arm but Jared wouldn’t tell him how. Connor had a feeling he wouldn’t want to know. 

He had spent much of the morning walking from building to building with a map in hand. There were student volunteers who were offering help but Connor was stubborn. He was going to find his classes on his own. He had done well so far but was having trouble finding the MHRA building. It wasn’t exactly the best building be unable to find as that’s where the majority of his English-related classes were. He wasn’t late yet, but he was pushing it on time. 

“Ah fuck.” Connor muttered. He swallowed what little pride he had left and walked up to one of the student volunteers dressed in green. 

“Oh! Hello, my name is Alana, do you need help locating a building?” 

“Uh, yeah. Moore?” 

The girl, Alana, looked down at her clipboard. “It’s on the other side of Spring Garden. If you keep walking up College Ave you’ll hit Spring Garden. Cross and head towards the corner of Spring Garden and Forest. If you need further help there should be two more volunteers on the way. Happy first day of classes!” 

“Yeah, happy first day.” Alana didn’t hear him, she had already turned her attention towards the next lost freshman. Connor briefly wondered if she was the Alana that Jared had mentioned the previous night. She fit the description well, especially the “preppy” and “happy to help” attitude. She seemed nice enough and if she was Jared and Evan’s Alana then Connor had no doubt he would be seeing more of her in the future. 

He found the building easily enough following Alana’s advice. Connor decided that maybe asking other people for help wasn’t such a bad idea after all. The list of professionals his mom had found was hidden in his pillowcase. He thought that maybe he should take a look at it and try and narrow it down later in the day after classes were over. 

Connor walked into the nearly empty classroom. He checked the time, the room number on his schedule and the room number on the door, and walked to an empty table. There were three other students in the room but no sign of the professor. It was the first day, he figured everyone was just running late. He was almost late himself, had it not been for Alana he would still be walking around campus trying to follow the map he and Jared had printed off that morning. As it got closer and closer to eleven more students started trickling in. Connor pulled his copy of Macbeth from his bag and started to read, only stopping when the professor walked into the class. She set up the projector and handed out the syllabus. 

“Welcome to Introduction to Shakespeare. Get ready guys, once we get started we’re not stopping until December.” 

\---

Connor dragged himself back to his dorm. He was tired. Dr. Marvin was right. They started with a basic lecture on Shakespeare. Connor was certain he had never taken so many notes in his life. His hand hurt and his notebook was filled with caffeine-fueled ramblings. He could already tell he was going to like this class despite its difficult workload. He made a mental note to study for the quiz they were having Friday and to stop by the bookstore at some point to pick up a planner. Cynthia had told him he would need one but he shook his head and said he could remember anything they told him. That was a mistake. Along with the quiz his class was expected to have the first act of The Tempest annotated by the following Monday. It wasn’t going to be difficult, just tedious. They were given the opportunity to annotate the play any way they would like. He was going to follow the same guidelines he had used for Hamlet and Macbeth and hope it was enough for Dr. Marvin. If it wasn’t he could easily change his method for act two but he didn’t want to be stuck with a bad grade because his annotation skills were up to par with Dr. Marvin’s expectations. 

Connor could believe himself. Not even one day into the semester and he was already worrying about his grades. He could only imagine how his family would react or even how the kids he graduated with would act. Connor Murphy, the boy who skipped class to smoke pot, was worried about his grades. He was living proof that someone could turn their life around, he was just hoping it stayed that way. There was always going to be a voice in the back of his mind reminding him of all the ways it could get worse, or all the things that could go wrong. Already it was telling him that this was never going to last. That something was going to go wrong. In his daydreams, it was always him. He would overreact to a playful joke, lash out and once again be known as the teen with anger issues. Everyone was going to avoid him and he was once again going to be alone and desperate, reaching out for any sort of help. This time Zoe wouldn’t be there to stop him. 

He unlocked his door and swung it open. Connor let out a sigh of relief seeing that Jared was still in classes. Connor dropped his bag and stripped himself of his jacket. He ran his fingers down scarred arms. He hadn’t cut in months but the urge was still there. The voice was telling him he could do it, that no one would notice. He wanted to believe it. It hadn’t been wrong the last time, not at first. He had gone years before someone finally noticed the sliced skin. A promise to stop was all it took to get them away, they never asked about it again. Connor’s own family didn’t know until he was in the hospital for “accidentally” going too deep. 

They all knew that wasn’t the truth. 

None of them talked about it. Connor got away with long sleeves to hide the bandages and then kept getting away with them to hide the scars. He had tried to stop, but the voice was always there. No one noticed when he started again. No one asked if he was okay. It took two more hospital stays before Connor was finally putting down the blade. Not because he wanted to, but because his family was finally starting to notice. They were checking daily for new broken skin. Connor had planned to go right back once his family stopped caring but weeks turned into months and suddenly Connor had been clean for nearly a year. 

He threw his jacket towards the closet and climbed into bed. He didn’t have any more classes for the day and his parents weren’t around to stop him from taking a nap. He could start on his homework when he woke up later. Until then he was going to give himself this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continuing my trend of not studying for midterms heres a new chapter of a fic thats not retro ad


	5. Chapter 5

Connor was woken up by the door slamming shut followed by panicked whispering and loud cursing. The panicked whisperer tried to hush the other. Connor recognized Jared’s voice as being the one cursing and Evan’s as being the one trying to shut Jared up. He didn’t give any indication he was awake. He wasn’t going to spy on the two of them, that was childish and immature, the exact opposite of what he was going for. He was just going to try and fall back asleep, maybe catch bits and pieces of conversation in the meantime. 

“Jared!” Evan half-chided. It sounded like he was struggling to lecture Jared while also staying quiet. “You have to be more quiet, what if Connor wakes up?”

“Then he wakes up and we have three people playing Mario Party.” 

“Jared no. He might get mad you woke him up and then he’ll want a new roommate. You’ve been here less that 48 hours you can’t offend your roommate already.” 

There was clanging and then the sound of the Wii starting up. “You’re just saying that because you spent the night writing poetry about his hair.” 

Oh. That was an interesting development. Connor was certainly pulled into the story now. How could he not be? Evan had obviously thought about him if he was texting Jared about his hair. Connor wondered what Evan had said. He wondered what about his hair interested the smaller teen. Connor had fought tooth and nail to grow his hair out this long, he was glad someone had cared to notice it and not hate it. 

“What! Jared, you can’t just say that. Oh my god.” 

“Relax, hot topic overthere is asleep. Unless he isn’t. In which case I hope he doesn’t mind your creepy obsession with his hair.” 

“I do not have a creepy obsession with his hair. I didn’t even write poetry about it!” There went all of Connor’s hopes and dreams. Gone in a flash. Vanished without a trace. “I just told you it looks nice.” Maybe his hopes and dreams weren’t as dead as he thought. 

“You said, and I quote, ‘Jared his hair’s really pretty and I want to braid it. I don’t even know how to braid hair. Jared, teach me how to braid hair.’ That’s pretty much poetry in my opinion.”

“Oh my god. Jared no. You cannot expose me like this.”

“Shush. I will expose you anyway I want.” Connor felt something hit him. “Wake up, Murphy. We need a third person.” 

Connor groaned deciding to play on the “being asleep”. It would have been easier than trying to explain that he had been listening to their conversation for the past five minutes.

“Jared! You can’t just do that.” Connor rolled over so he was facing the two of them. Jared was still setting up the game while Evan was fretting over the fact that Jared had thrown a controller on Connor. “Oh my god, Connor I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Do you need ice? Advil? Water?” Connor decided pretty fast he could get used to Evan worrying about and wanting to take care of him. 

“I need my roommate to stop being a dick.” 

“That’s not happening anytime soon. I’ve known Jared my whole life, that’s his default setting.” 

“Feeling betrayed, Evan.” Jared handed Evan a controller. “Connor, you going to play or what?” 

“Sure, not like I have anything better to do.” Connor sat up and took the controller Jared handed him. The three of them all climbed onto Connor’s bed. Jared and Connor sat on the ends while Evan sat in between the two of them. 

They played Mario Party for the next hour making commentary on each other’s choices. 

_”Really Jared, Waluigi? EVAN WHY ARE YOU PICKING WARIO?”  
“Connor, you literally picked Yoshi, you can’t judge Evan and I for our choices.” _

_“We are not playing Pagoda Peak again. Evan take the controller from Jared and choose Neon Heights.”_  
_“Evan, I thought we were bros, how could you betray me like this.”_  
_“C-Connor’s right, Jared. Neon Heights is the superior game board.”_  
_“You come into my house, into my room, and treat me like this.”_  
_“To be fair, it’s also Connor’s room.”  
_ _Thank you, Evan.”_

They stopped playing when Jared insisted on it being dinnertime. It was six o’clock but Connor had a feeling it was less of him wanting them to all get food together and more so not appreciating the fact that he was currently losing the game. Connor wasn’t going to complain. He hadn’t eaten much that day, just a bagel he had bought from the coffee shop just off campus earlier that morning. 

“So, my dudes, any requests have a request for dinner?”

“Don’t you have your card thing for Fountain View?”

“Evan, why would we go to the dining hall when there’s a pizza place that’s only a five minute walk?”

“I’m starting to think you don’t actually want any of our suggestions. You just want pizza.” 

“Right you are, Connor. You guys in?”

Connor looked over to Evan and shrugged. “Why not, pizza is going to be better than the food in the dining hall.” 

“I don’t know, Jared. I’m not really supposed to be using my card unless it’s an emergency or Mom knows beforehand. I hadn’t planned on staying this long so I didn’t ask earlier.”

“Relax, Evan. I can buy you pizza if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“What? Jared, you can’t. It’s fine, I can just get water or something.” 

Connor decided to speak up before the two of them got any further into their debate. “I can buy all of us a large pizza to share.” Connor held up his debit card. “My parents are loaded, I’ve got a ridiculous allowance, especially since I actually managed to graduate high school and make it into college.” 

“I knew there was a reason I liked you. See, Evan? Problem solved.”

Evan frowned but nodded. “Okay, fine.” Jared jumped off of Connor’s bed to start pulling his shoes on. Evan scooted closer to Connor and let his voice drop into a whisper. “I can pay you back later, I just have to ask my mom for some cash.” 

“Really Evan, you don’t. I’m not kidding about the parents being loaded. They don’t care what I spend my allowance on as long as it’s no drugs or alcohol. They’ll be ecstatic that I even have people willing to talk to me.” 

Evan looked like he was about to question what Connor meant when Jared called for them to hurry up. Connor pulled on his jacket and shoes and followed the two of them from the room. While listening to Jared and Evan’s playful banter, which they went out of their way to include him in, Connor felt like for the first time in years he might finally have a chance at making friends. 

—-

Later that night after Evan had left Jared and Connor sat at their desks doing homework. They had been sitting in near silence, the only sound coming from their agreed upon playlist of the Hamilton soundtrack, when Jared turned down the music. Connor looked up from The Tempest to and was met with Jared’s stare. 

“Uh, can I help you?” 

Jared smiled in a way that made Connor uncomfortable. “You know, it’s rude to listen to other people’s conversations.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Really? I know that controller didn’t wake you up.” Connor started blushing and tried focusing on his homework. “I’m just warning you, Evan’s vulnerable. You seem nice and I have a feeling we could become good friends, but Evan will always come first in my life. Don’t hurt him.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I’m not blind, Heidi’s not blind, but Evan is.” 

“Don’t worry,” Connor began while highlighting a particularly interesting line. “I’m not going to hit on him.” 

“If you are, I won’t stop you. Just don’t break his heart or anything.” 

Connor sighed and capped his highlighter. “I’m not going to hurt him because I’m not going to make a move. Even if I wanted to, I can’t. I’m a disease, Jared. I kill everything I touch.” 

Jared was frowning at him. “Evan doesn’t think so.”

“Just because one guy I barely know thinks I’m fine doesn’t mean I am.” Connor shut his book and grabbed his wallet and keys. “I’m heading out.”

“It’s ten pm?” 

“I’ll be quiet when I come back.” Connor walked out of the dorm, careful not to let the door slam, leaving Jared alone. He didn’t have a place in mind, but he had to get away. He hadn’t been lying to Jared when he called himself a disease. That’s all he was and he wasn’t going to let himself corrupt Jared and especially not Evan. Who was he thinking he might be able to make friends? God, he needed a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i survived exams


	6. Chapter 6

Jared wasn’t worried. It was just, Connor had gone out the night before and he still wasn’t back. He knew Connor had mentioned drugs and alcohol the day before when he was talking about his allowance, but Jared had figured it was a joke. Now that Connor was going on ten hours without returning to the room he was starting to wonder if maybe Connor had been telling the truth. Maybe he had an actual problem and Jared just let him leave, obviously upset, last night. Jared thought he had finished screwing things up when he left high school. He had repaired his friendship with Evan and even started one with Alana. He had been hoping that he might get to make a third with Connor but Connor had gone who knows where. Jared didn’t even have his number yet, he couldn’t call him to see if he was okay. He couldn’t wait around at the dorm much longer either. He had an eight am on Tuesdays and as much as he would like to skip it and find his maybe friend he knew he had a scholarship to maintain. 

“Okay. This is fine. It’s going to be fine. He probably just stayed with a friend. Yeah, that makes sense. I’ll just,” Jared grabbed a sticky note from Connor’s desk and scrawled down a message. “There.” Jared stared down at the note. It was simple, his phone number and a message to text so Jared knows Connor is okay. That’s all he wanted. Jared was easy to please. Knowing that his roommate wasn’t dead in a ditch would be enough. 

He grabbed his bag, keys, and walked from the room letting the door slam behind him. It occurred to Jared that he should probably worry about the other people in his hall still sleeping but he didn’t care enough. He did speed walk toward the stairs, not willing to find out if his slamming door woke someone up. 

Jared pulled out his phone to text Evan and Alana as he walked to class. It was still the first week and he hadn’t met many people yet. He was hoping that by next week he’d have friends to walk to classes with but going by his previous experience in the friend department it wasn’t likely. 

_**TO: Ev, Lana** _  
**guys help**  
**my roommate is missing and idk what to do**

_**FROM: Ev** _  
**Oh my god, what do you mean he’s missing?**  
**Jared, is Connor okay?**  
**Do you need to call campus police?**  
**What happened?**  
**Do you need me to come by before class?**

_**TO: Ev, Lana** _  
**calm down evan**  
**im sure its fine**  
**he just left last night and never came back but thats fine**

_**FROM: Lana** _  
**Evan has some valid questions.**  
**Your roommate leaving and not returning most certainly is not fine. I’ll be on the lookout for him today. What’s his name and what does he look like?**

 

_**TO: Ev, Lana** _  
**tall, dark, brooding, typical bad boy from those teen novels mrs. s made us read sophomore year**

_**FROM: Ev** _  
**He has long hair. It’s kind of curly.**

_**TO: Ev, Lana** _  
**there goes evan**  
**obsessing over his hair again**

_**FROM: Lana** _  
**[Attachment: One Image]**  
**This wouldn’t happen to be him, would it?**

_**TO: Ev, Lana** _  
**omg**  
**yeah thats him how did you find him**

_**FROM: Lana** _  
**He was wandering around campus drunk last night.**  
**I was also worried he might be high, but he swore he wasn’t.**

_**TO: Ev, Lana** _  
**i’ll come by and pick him up after class**  
**thanks for not letting him die**  
**evan would be heartbroken lol**

Jared shut off his phone before he could see Evan’s reply. On one hand, he was glad Connor was safe with Alana, but on the other, he was mad at himself. Why hadn’t he followed Connor out? He knew the taller teen was upset. He knew Connor was likely going to do something stupid and what did he do? He hid from the world, just like always. Jared ran from everything. He ran from Evan, from Alana, and now Connor. He knew Evan would get upset at his self-deprecating thoughts but Jared couldn’t help it. He fucked up. Again. He thought he would have learned his lesson after senior year but apparently not. Now he was stuck going through the day wondering what might have happened had Alana not found Connor. 

\---

Connor was no stranger to waking up in unfamiliar places. It happened more times than he would like to admit in high school. The difference between all of those mornings and today was the fact that on those days he had some sort of memory of where he crashed. It was usually a “friends” house, someone who didn’t hate him and liked to party. Connor highly doubted he found another person like that in four days. He groaned and rolled over to avoid the sunlight streaming in through the window.

“Oh! You’re awake.” Maybe if he ignored the voice they’d go away. “I was wondering when you would wake up. It’s not too late, only eleven if you have a class you need to make.” Why did the voice sound so familiar? “If not, Jared’s coming by at noon to take you back to your room. You’re welcome to stay here until then. If you want to head back now I’ll help you.” 

Connor rolled back over. Alana, who he was now certain had been Jared and Evan’s Alana, was sitting at the desk with a textbook open. For being the second day of classes she had already read far into the textbook. Connor imagined that’s how valedictorians were made. 

“Uh, hi?” He didn’t mean for it to come out as a question but it would work.

“Hello. It’s nice to meet you again, I’m Alana Beck.” 

“Connor Murphy.”

“I know.” Fuck. What did she know about him? Did she find out about his past? About who he used to be? It could have happened. He went and got hammered last night, maybe he let something slip. “You’re Jared and Evan’s friend. I know the two of them from high school.” 

Connor was relieved. He didn’t know why he thought Alana found out about him. If she did, why should he care? That Connor was in the past, where he was hopefully going to stay. Last night had been a fluke. Since Alana had apparently found him and brought him back to her dorm maybe the school wouldn’t find out. They can’t kick him out when they don’t know he’s doing something wrong. 

“Thanks for letting me crash here.”

“Oh, you’re welcome. My older sister told me I shouldn’t take strangers back to my dorm but we’re not strangers. I had met you yesterday morning. You also looked like the Connor that Evan was describing to me but I didn’t want to assume. I verified with Jared earlier that you are you. He was worried when you didn’t come back last night. He worries a lot, but he won’t say anything.” 

Connor was trying to pay attention, he really was, but the light coming in from the blinds was making his headache worse. “I’m sorry, could you close the blinds? The light is kind of killing me right now.” 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! You must have a horrible headache.” Alana dug through one of her desk drawers and pulled out a bottle of Advil. She handed two tablets and a half-finished bottle of water to Connor. “I gave you this water last night, you never finished it.”

“Thank you,” Connor said as he sat up. He opened the bottle and downed the pills. They were the kind with a sugar coating. Connor hated everything about them. “Sorry if I’m keeping you from class.” 

“Don’t worry, on Tuesday’s I don’t have class until one. I have two online classes which I’ve been working in while you slept.” 

“Ah. Sounds busy.” 

“It is, but I believe working ahead is the key to success. I’ve already worked through my astronomy textbook and taken notes based on what we’ll be doing in the upcoming lessons.” 

Connor pulled Alana’s blanket off of him. He folded it and set it down on the bed next to him. “What time is it?” 

Alana looked at her laptop. “Eleven-thirty eight. Jared should be here soon if you still want to wait.” 

“Yeah, I’ll wait. I think I lost my keys at some point last night.” 

“Oh! Speaking of losing things, here’s your phone. Someone has been trying to call you. I told her we spent last night marathoning Lord of the Rings, she wasn’t convinced. I’ll back it up again if I have to.” 

Wonderful. Just what Connor needed. Someone, likely Zoe, was trying to get a hold of him. At least Alana covered for him. She didn’t have to do that. Connor doubted she would keep to her word and continue lying but it was nice to know she would at least offer. 

“Probably my sister.” He said. The two of them fell into an awkward silence. Connor wasn’t sure what to say. He had already thanked her, his knowledge of manners didn’t go beyond that. He didn’t want to be creepy and start asking her about Jared and Evan. It would have been nice to get another perspective on the duo but scaring off potential friends wasn’t on his list of things to do. Making friends wasn’t either but he figured he might as well try something new. 

They sat in silence until someone started banging on the door. 

“I’m here, Lana! I brought Evan.” Came Jared’s muffled voice behind the door. 

_Great._ Connor thought. _Not only is Jared going to see what a mess I am, but Evan is too._ Connor picked up his phone and wallet from Alana’s desk. He was upset about the lack of keys but those could be replaced. He was lucky he hadn’t put his car key on the ring yet. He walked past Jared and Evan once Alana had opened the door. Connor kept his head down. He didn’t want to see disappointed faces.

__

_So much for starting over._ He bitterly thought. It was the second day of school and he was already fucking everything up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be sometime in the future, im taking a mini break from this to work on retro ad


	7. Chapter 7

Evan helped Jared escort Connor back to their dorm. Connor didn’t seem too interested in receiving their help. He hadn’t said a word the whole time but didn’t fight it when Evan and Jared both wrapped an arm around him to help him walk. Evan was trying really hard not to worry. Connor was fine, he knew that. He was hungover and likely hating himself, but physically he was fine. He had been worrying ever since Jared’s first text that morning. He had spent the better part of the morning texting Alana after she confirmed that Connor was safe and sound. Evan asked about his overall health. Did he pass out (yes) or fall asleep? Had she given him anything to drink before he passed out (yes)? Alana’s messages helped calm Evan’s nerves but now that he was here with Connor they were back in full force. 

“Alright, here’s the plan. We’re going to go in through the basement. We can take the elevator straight to our floor and avoid the first floor offices altogether. Sound like a plan?”

Both Connor and Evan nodded in agreement to Jared’s words. Jared let go of Connor to walk ahead and unlock the door. Connor was leaning on Evan while they were waiting for the elevator. Evan didn’t mind, he was more than happy to hold Connor up. It was just more proof that Connor was fine and not actually missing like Jared had reported earlier that morning. He was glad Jared was fine with him hanging around his dorm so much. He was also glad Connor hadn’t had a problem with him yet. The second Connor seemed uncomfortable Evan would leave but until then Evan was going to take advantage of Jared’s kindness. 

“So, Evan, do you have any more classes today?” Connor asked when they stepped into the elevator. Jared pressed the button for their floor. He looked like he was trying not to snicker at the awkwardness of the situation. 

“Not really. I have a lab but that doesn’t start until next week, I’m not skipping, I promise. The professor emailed us not to come today. She’s supposed to be sending out paperwork we have to fill out but yeah. Psychology and algebra are the only classes I have on Tuesdays and Thursday so yeah…” Evan trailed off. He stared down at the floor. He was hoping to avoid Connor’s gaze but it was kind of hard when said teen was literally leaning on him for support. It made Evan wonder just what exactly he had gotten into last night. 

The three of them were silent the rest of the way into the dorm. They barely managed to avoid Connor and Jared’s RA by ducking into the bathroom until they were certain she had left the floor. Once they were in the room Evan helped Connor get onto his bed. Jared stood by his desk flipping through papers. Evan wanted to ask if Connor was okay. He wanted to know what happened last night. He wanted to know if this was a one-time thing or if Connor was going to be running off on a weekly basis. 

He wanted to know what had set Connor off. Jared had been vague when explaining what went on between the two of them. Evan knew Jared had a habit of talking without a filter. There were a number of things Jared could have said to Connor that would have upset Connor. He wished Jared would talk to him. He wished Connor would talk to him but they barely knew each other. His stupid crush wasn’t going to help his situation. 

“Right,” Jared began breaking the silence. “I’ve got a class in half an hour. And since I’m assuming headache over there is going to skip whatever he has left today, I’m leaving Evan here in charge of the room.” 

“He doesn’t live here.” Connor said from under his blanket. Evan nodded in agreement. He shouldn’t be left in charge of anything ever. 

“Doesn’t matter. I trust Evan to not burn down the building. No offense to you,” Jared threw a pillow from his bed at Connor. “But after last night I don’t trust you to not wander off and get murdered by an axe-wielding clown.” 

Connor threw the blanket off so he could hurl the pillow back at Jared. “That is oddly specific.” 

Evan took the pillow before Jared could throw it back. “It’s something from high school, something that should be forgotten in the fiery pits of Mordor.” Evan straightened out Jared’s bed and set the pillow down at the top. 

“Well, now I want to hear the story.” Connor said as he sat up. 

Jared picked up his bag from where he had thrown it down earlier. “Ask Evan, he’s the one who wrote it. Later my dudes.” Jared walked out the door leaving Evan and Connor alone. 

\- - -

Connor didn’t know what to say. Going by the look on Evan’s face, he didn’t either. Connor doubted either of them had much experience in the friend department. Connor’s came from years of being ostracized by his peers and the overwhelming anger that was constantly consuming him. He didn’t know Evan’s story but he had a feeling it was something similar. He was jumpy, always looking behind his back for something that wasn’t there. Connor’s theory was anxiety. Likely a major case of it but he couldn’t exactly ask. _“Hey Evan, we barely know each other but do you have anxiety? Is that why you’re so jumpy?”_ Yeah, that would go over real well. Evan would think he’s some kind of nosey freak and stop coming. He’d probably tell Jared and then Jared would hate him as well. If Jared and Evan hated Connor than Alana would too and Connor would be all alone just like he was in high school. 

“So,” Connor said breaking the silence they had placed themselves in. “What exactly is up with the axe-wielding clown?” 

“Oh, it’s uh, a story I wrote in high school. I took creative writing with Jared and Alana for our final semester and we had to write horror stories.” Evan was staring at Jared’s bed. He was also talking quietly. Connor wished he’d speak up, he had a lovely voice. “I wrote a grotesque short story about a depressed clown who turns to violence in order to feel something.”

“That’s morbid. I like it. Do you still have it somewhere?” Evan nodded but didn’t say anything plunging the room into silence once again. The stayed there, avoiding looking at each other, until Evan spoke up. 

“I um, I’m not really in charge of the room, am I? Because that sounds like a lot of commitment and I don’t even know what being in charge entails. At Jared’s house, it means I can stop him from playing video games the whole time I’m there but I don’t think that would apply here, especially since Jared isn’t even in the room. I don’t mind if you want to play video games. I can set up any of the systems if you want.” 

Evan was rambling and Connor was staring at him. He noticed Evan would clench his shirt in his hands during his little rambles. It was cute. 

“Nah, I’m not a huge fan. Never really had them growing up so while I appreciate the systems, I won’t go out of my way to play.” Evan was frowning. He looked like he was about to say something so Connor interrupted before he could begin. “You have to set up the system does count as going out of the way. There’s plenty to be done that doesn’t involve staring at a screen for six hours.” 

“It doesn’t have to be six hours.” Evan said after a moment of silence. He was loosening up and didn’t seem as nervous as he had when Jared left. 

Connor patted the spot on the bed next to him. “I’ve got Netflix and the rest of the day to kill, care to join me for a binge?” Evan smiled and joined Connor on the bed. Connor leaned over and grabbed his laptop from his desk. He set it down between them. “Any request?” 

“Jessica Jones?” Evan sounded unsure of himself. Meanwhile, Connor was silently praising Evan for his decision.

“Ah, wonderful choice.” He opened up Netflix and let Jessica Jones load in the window. “I managed to watch season one in a single day, let’s see if I’ve got the same luck with season two.” 

Connor pressed play and the two of them fell into silence as the opening ran. It wasn’t the same awkward silence from earlier but a more welcomed silence. One that Connor, and by the looks of it Evan, was willing to bask in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow I was gone for so long
> 
> on another note spring break ended and I go back to campus today but I haven't done any of my homework


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor was in the middle of a report on the characterization of The Tempest when Jared flung open the door and let it slam shut. 
> 
> “Connor, hide me,” Jared said before crawling under Connor’s bed.

Over the next few weeks, they settled into a routine. Evan would come by most days after classes, with the exceptions of Tuesdays and Thursdays, to work on homework. After Evan would leave Jared and Connor would strike up a conversation, simple topics. They avoided talking about what had happened. Neither had a problem with avoiding the issue. In the back of his mind, there was a voice, one that sounded a lot like Zoe, reminding him that bottling things up wasn’t healthy and was going to come back to bite him one day. He ignored the voice and focused on enjoying college life. He still didn’t have many friends but found he didn’t care. Connor was perfectly content with the three people he had started to call his friends. Alana was a constant he hadn’t expected especially after that night. A few days after that she had come to his dorm, kicked Evan and Jared out, and talked to Connor about what had happened. She also returned Connor’s missing keys. According to Alana, he had dropped them in the bushes outside her dorm which was also where she had apparently found him. He wasn’t able to thank her enough. She has told him not to worry about it and that was that. Connor ended his first week of college with three new friends.

Connor liked the days when it was just him and Evan the best. They weren’t quite comfortable taking around each other asides from basic question and answers, but they were fine with the silence that would surround them. It was easy for Connor to lean against Evan after a hard day of classes and just relax. They had made a habit of watching Netflix on the days Jared wasn’t in the room to make snarky comments. They would pull something up on Connor’s laptop and set it on his desk at the foot of the bed, sit back, and just watch. 

For the first time in his life, Connor was working hard in his classes. He devoted an hour every night to go over what he had taken notes on that day and transfer handwritten notes to his laptop. It was a studying trick he had picked up from Alana. In turn, he showed her the wonders of printing the notes out and having physical pages to flip through and highlight. She still preferred having them online and Connor couldn’t judge. He emailed Zoe weekly reports of his grades. He hadn’t been asked to but Connor wanted to prove to his family that he could function on his own. Zoe said they hadn’t doubted him but Connor knew better. He had given them no real reason to believe in him. He knew that. They knew that. And it was why Connor was trying extra hard to keep his grades up. 

Connor was in the middle of a report on the characterization of The Tempest when Jared flung open the door and let it slam shut. 

“Connor, hide me,” Jared said before crawling under Connor’s bed. Connor wasn’t sure how to react. Jared had chosen the best spot in the room to hide but Connor didn’t know who or what he was hiding from. 

“What are you doing?” Connor asked as he peered down at Jared from over the side of the bed. 

“Hiding. There’s a scary girl downstairs.” 

“I don’t want to hide you from whatever girl you managed to piss off this week.” 

“Hey! That’s not, I didn’t, okay. I piss girls off a lot, I know. But I didn’t do anything! She just got mad when I wouldn’t let her upstairs.” 

“So, you followed the rules and someone started yelling at you?” 

“Sort of?” Jared came out from under the bed. “I told her I couldn’t let her upstairs because it’s a rule and stuff, and then she asked if she could just follow me because she was trying to surprise someone and I might have made an asshole-ish comment.”

“You were your usual self.” 

“Okay, yes. I was my usual self and now there’s a girl downstairs who wants to kill me. Hence why I’m hiding.” Connor stopped paying attention. He pulled up another SparkNotes page. “Also Evan’s coming by so you need to go let him up.” 

“He’s your friend.” 

“And your future boyfriend.” 

Connor was certain that had he been drinking something he would have started choking with how much he was coughing. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“Your future boyfriend? Come on, Connor, catch up. You two are going to fall in love, get married, grow old together and adopted eighteen dogs.” 

Jared seemed smug with himself. Connor picked a pillow up from his bed and threw it at Jared. Jared yelped and crawled under his bed again. 

“You can’t hide from your problems forever.” 

“You say that, but here I am, hiding from my problems, under your bed.”

Connor’s phone went off. He picked it up and read the message. “Did you turn your phone off? Evan says he’s been trying to call you but it’s not ringing.” 

“You think I’m going to risk talking to Evan? I can’t say no to him. He’d make me go let him up and then I’d have to face the scary girl. Yeah, not happening.” 

“You’re a fucking idiot, Kleinman.” Connor set his laptop down on the bed. “You’re going to apologize to Evan when I bring him up. And then I’m calling Alana to come lecture you on how to properly talk to women, again.” 

“I don’t mean to offend them, I just say things that can be taken the wrong way sometimes and next thing I know I’m being slapped. Alana and I are working on it, I promise.” 

Connor wasn’t convinced but he was taking pity on Jared this time. “You owe me, for this.” 

“I’ll set you and Evan up on a date soon enough, don’t worry.” If Connor wasn’t already at the door he would have found something to throw at Jared. Flipping him off would have to work in the meantime. “You wound me, Connor.” 

Connor ignored him and let the door slam shut.They were going to be getting complaints again but he didn’t care. Being friendly with the RA had its advantages and one of those was getting noise complaints dismissed. Connor kept his head down as he walked through the halls. He might have been friendly with the RA but that didn’t mean he spoke to anyone else on their floor. He left that to Jared, god knows he spoke enough for the both of them. Connor took the stairs two at a time. There were perks to having long legs and he made sure to take advantage of them every chance he could, especially when it involved holding things above Jared’s head. 

Connor pushed open the door leading to the lobby and heard a familiar voice. Two familiar voices. Talking. To each other. Oh god. 

“Connor!” Evan called. He saw them standing together conversing like old friends. 

“Wait, you were waiting for Connor?” 

“Yeah. Wait, is he the brother?” 

“Nope. Goodbye.” Connor lied down on the ground and ignored the worried look from Evan and amused look from Zoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im kinda winging life right now


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Connor, you can’t lie on the floor forever. Get up.” 
> 
> “You can’t make me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres some mention of self harm towards the middle, but like late middle not early middle

“Connor, you can’t lie on the floor forever. Get up.” 

“You can’t make me.” 

“Evan, right?” Connor couldn’t see them. If he couldn’t see them than they weren’t interacting. 

“Oh, uh, y-yes! Evan, that’s me. Hello.” Evan sounded nervous. Connor hadn’t heard him that nervous since they first met. 

“Can you grab his other arm?” Connor felt Zoe and Evan grab his arms and pull him up. He decided to stop being limp and actually stand. 

“There, I’m up. Happy?” 

“Yes.” It was Evan who answered. Evan who took two weeks to start responding to Connor’s sarcasm with his own. Connor was proud. 

“Care to tell me why you saw the two of us and promptly lied on the ground?” Connor shrugged. He swiped his keycard to the elevator. He really didn’t feel like taking the stairs. “Connor, my brother who I love but also hate, you can’t ignore me.” 

“I’ve spent the past eighteen years of my life ignoring you. Except right now because I’m responding. Fuck. Evan, help me out.” 

Evan pressed the button for the elevator. “Where’s Jared?” 

A topic change. Perfect, that’s just what Connor needed. “He’s hiding because some scary girl was yelling at him. And oh my god, Zoe I think you met my roommate.” 

“Is he about yay high, wearing a graphic tee and trying to act like he’s cooler than he actually is?” 

“Yes.” Connor and Evan answered simultaneously. The elevator doors opened and the three of them stepped in. Connor pushed the button for his floor. 

“Then yes, I did meet him.” 

“Oh gosh. I’d like to apologize for anything he said to you. Jared doesn’t have a filter sometimes. He probably didn’t mean what he said, he usually doesn’t.”

“Evan, stop defending him. He can defend himself.” Connor said. He led the trio from the elevator once the doors opened. Mike, his RA, was standing outside the elevator in front of the bulletin board. Connor said hello and let Evan take the lead. It gave him a chance to fall back and walk with Zoe. “What are you doing?” 

“What, am I not allowed to visit my older brother at school?” 

“No, you are, I just figured you wouldn’t want to. I thought once I was dropped off here the three of you would forget I existed.” 

“Not gonna lie, so did I. The house is really quiet with you gone. None of us really know how to handle it. The last time it was like this was… anyways, we don’t know what to do without all of the fights. Dad’s been working more than ever and mom’s been going between new hobbies. I have six new hats, none of them fit. Speaking of which, I’ve got two boxes of scarves in the car. Mom wants you to pick a few and then we’re supposed to donate the rest.” 

Connor wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn't sure how he felt. He really thought that once they dropped him off they would forget about him. He wasn’t at home to cause any more fights. He wasn’t getting high in his bedroom with the window open anymore. He wasn’t banging on Zoe’s door threatening her because she told their parents Connor was skipping school. To know that they actually noticed he was gone made him feel warm like maybe there was hope his family could be saved after all. 

Evan was awkwardly standing outside the door. He smiled nervously and motioned to the door. “Jared won’t let me in. He says he doesn’t trust me.” 

A muffled “I don’t” came from the other side of the door. Connor sighed. He had a feeling Jared was going to be childish like this. It’s why he had taken his key with him when he went to get Evan. 

Connor unlocked the door and flung it open. “Jared, you’re acting more like a brat than I did when you, Alana, and Evan tried getting me to watch Inside Out.” 

“You liked that movie and you know it.” 

“I will admit that it was better than I thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean I liked it. It means I understand that it wasn’t completely awful.” Zoe pushed past Connor into the room. He shared a look with Evan and backed out into the hallway while Zoe started yelling at Jared. 

“Should we save him?” Evan asked while he fiddled with his shirt. Connor shrugged. 

“I probably shouldn’t be around Zoe while she’s yelling. That’s never gone well for the two of us.” 

“She seems nice.” 

Connor shrugged again. He didn’t want to talk about his sister. He certainly didn’t want to talk about her with Evan. They opened up to each other, but not that much. He hadn’t told Evan about high school. Not about how he would fight with his family every night just because he could or how he would get high and threaten to kill Zoe. He hadn’t told Evan about how he spent two months in the hospital junior year because he decided life wasn’t worth living anymore. One day Connor might consider telling Evan about the scars on his arms or the lines on the outside of his thighs because he learned no one would ask to see them. 

Evan tugged on the sleeve of Connor’s hoodie. “I think they’re done.” 

He couldn’t hear Zoe yelling anymore. It didn’t mean she wasn’t going to start back up but it was Connor’s room too. He could kick Jared and Zoe out if they started going at it again. 

“Let’s go, I guess.” 

“You don’t sound excited.” 

“My sister is here, why would I be?” The door opened. Zoe stood there looking annoyed. 

“Okay, rude.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Evan, look! It’s my sister, I’m so happy to see she’s come to visit me, especially without warning!” Zoe huffed and walked to Connor’s bed. She climbed on and picked up his laptop. 

“Sister?! Oh my god, I see the resemblance. Evan, I need you to save me from both of them.” Jared was sitting on his bed clutching one of Connor’s pillows. Connor had a feeling Zoe had thrown it at him. She had a good arm. He didn’t understand why she had quit softball. 

“Uh, I’ll pass. You can save yourself.” Evan stood in the middle of the room. It looked like he didn’t know where to go or what to do. Connor pulled him towards his bed. 

“Move, Zoe.” She glared at him but moved so there was enough room for Evan and Connor to climb on. Zoe was sitting for her legs crossed at the top while Evan and Connor sat with their backs to the wall, legs hanging off the side. 

They all sat there quietly save for Zoe who was using Connor’s laptop. He had a feeling she was going through his files. She had done it all the time when he was at home, usually at the request of his parents. None of them trusted him not to google different ways to kill himself. They hadn’t said it, but it was implied when he had looked up different kinds of bleach for a school project and his mom freaked out. 

Jared was the one who broke the silence. 

“Okay, this is awkward. I am against this silence. It’s suffocating.” 

“What do you propose we do? Unless you have nothing and are just complaining to complain.” Jared pouted and threw Connor’s pillow at him.

“I vote music. My guitars in the car.” Zoe spoke up. She shut the laptop, apparently done with her snooping.

“Zoe, no.” It was Zoe’s turn to pout. She also threw a pillow at Connor but missed and hit Evan in the face.

“Ow.” Evan said at the same time Zoe screeched, “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY. THAT WAS MEANT FOR CONNOR.” “It’s fine,” Evan said while rubbing his face. It wasn’t fine, but Evan wasn’t going to say anything. 

“Wait, you’re Connor’s sister. Tell us embarrassing childhood stories. He refuses to share anything.” 

Zoe smirked. Connor climbed off his bed and lied down on the floor again. “Goodbye. I am gone. Dead. You have killed me, Jared. I hope you’re happy.” 

Zoe didn’t seem deterred. “I would love to.” 

Evan joined Connor on the floor. He brought down the two pillows and the blanket. “Lift your head.” Connor did and Evan stuck the pillow down. Evan lied down next to him and covered them both in the blanket. Connor pretended his face wasn’t red. Evan pretended he wasn’t freaking out. The two of them were content in their own little world of embarrassment while Zoe and Jared talked above them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im in astronomy


	10. Chapter 10

Evan was only slightly panicking. It’s what he did best, really. So he met Connor’s sister. That was cool. She seemed nice. She had also driven seven hours to see him. That was sweet of her. The only problem was Evan hadn’t known Connor had a sister. No, that’s a lie. He thinks Connor may have mentioned her at some point but he never elaborated. Evan figured Connor would tell him if it was important. He decided not to worry and instead think about anything besides the taller teen next to him who he was certain had fallen asleep.

Jared and Zoe were talking quietly. Evan couldn’t hear them from where he was on the floor with Connor but he wanted to. Were they talking about him? They had to be. He was being too obvious. Jared was going to tease Evan about this later and now it seemed like Zoe would too. Jared’s teasing Evan could handle, he wasn't sure about Zoe. He wasn’t lying when he said she seemed nice but also scary. She yelled at Jared. For one, Evan had no doubt Jared deserved, but she still did it. Alana would like her, Evan thought. The two of them would get along nicely. If she drove all this way she was probably planning on staying the night. He could invite Alana over. Then again it wasn’t actually his dorm. He didn’t want to invite her over only for Jared or Connor to protest. Not like they would. Everyone loved Alana, especially Jared. She was half of the reason he actually graduated high school. He wouldn’t send her away. He would probably just glare at Evan. Yeah, nope, that was going to happen. It looks like Evan wasn’t going to be inviting Alana over anytime soon. He could mention the idea of Jared, or Connor when he wakes up. 

Evan slipped out from under the blanket and tucked it around Connor. He wasn’t sure how the taller boy managed to lie down in such strange locations. If there was anything he’s learned about Connor over the past few weeks of knowing him, it was his weird and slightly impressive ability to sleep anywhere. 

“Evan! Are you rejoining the world of us bed peeps?”

“Okay first, never call us that again. Second, is Connor asleep?” 

“Yes,” Evan said, answering both of their questions. Jared seemed relieved but Zoe seemed annoyed.

“I drive all this way and he falls asleep within ten minutes of seeing me.” 

“He hasn’t been sleeping much. We text sometimes.” 

They texted a lot. Evan remembered the first text sent at three am by a sleep-deprived Connor. Evan’s own anxiety had kept him from sleeping. The two had an interesting, and slightly alarming, conversation about their perceptions of time and death. Connor was willing to go through life carefree and living in the moment whole Evan was obsessing over his every action and trying to leave an impact on the world. 

“He has been doing his homework, right? I tried getting into his canvas account but he logged out and hasn’t been using his standard password.”

“When he’s not sleeping or being bothered by one of us he’s studying. It’s creepy how much he likes to get ahead. I turn things in last minute but hot topic over there gets them done weeks in advance.” 

“That’s… new. Our parents had to bribe him to do homework in high school. I’m impressed.”

“It wasn’t easy training him. It took a lot of work and dark nail polish.”

Evan was frowning. He had gotten back onto Connor’s bed and sat down the best he could with Zoe lying across it. She eventually moved her legs so Evan could resume his position sitting upright with his back against the wall. Zoe let her legs fall into Evan’s lap once he was settled. 

“I don’t think you trained him, I think it was Evan. Thank you, Evan.”

“Oh, um, you’re welcome, except uh, I haven’t really done anything. Connor’s desire to do homework and learn is all his own. I’m just usually here doing my own.” 

“Hm. I’m still voting for you being a good influence. I haven’t seen Connor so carefree in years. He looks different. Younger.” 

“He’s also gay for Evan. At least, that’s what it looks like.” Evan started choking on his own spit while Zoe stared at him. Jared cackled from his spot on the bed. “It’s okay, Evan. We know you’re also gay for Connor.” Evan, who had just recovered, started choking again. 

“Wait, really?” Zoe asked, looking to Evan for confirmation. 

“I mean, well, he has nice hair, and I wouldn’t be against braiding it. He’s also been really nice to me, and patient. Not everyone is patient with me so that’s really sweet of him. And well, Connorisjustreallyprettyimsorrythisisprobablyweird.” Evan rushed out. It was better to spit it out quickly and shut himself up sooner. 

“That’s adorable, oh my god. I can’t remember the last time someone had a crush on Connor.” Zoe could, in fact, remember the last time someone had a crush on Connor, but it hadn’t ended well for anyone involved. She had a feeling this would be different. 

“I’m trying to set the two of them up but it’s not working. Neither will admit their love for each other.” 

“Jared! Please stop, oh my god.” Evan was tempted to get back on the floor and crawl under the blanket with Connor again. Maybe Connor would wrap his arms around him. That’d be nice. Except no. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking like this. Connor was his friend. He was lucky for that. There was no way Connor liked him as anything more. Besides, that would only fuel Jared. That’s the last thing Evan wanted to do. 

“I’ll stop when you two admit it. Evan, I love you, you’re my best friend, but you are the most oblivious person I have ever met. And Connor is nice, I don’t hate him, might even like him in the future, but he is also oblivious as fuck. I’m trying to win a bet here, so just make out already.” 

Evan rolled off of the bed. He hit the ground with a thump. It hurt but was worth it. Connor stirred but didn’t wake up. Evan was able to crawl under Connor’s bed in the space he and Connor had made behind the dresser. There was already a spare pillow and blanket under there because Evan had developed a habit of going there when he got stressed about something. Usually homework. Connor didn’t mind letting Evan hide under his bed and even talked to him to get his mind off of whatever was stressing him out. It didn’t help his developing crush

“And he’s gone. Jared, look what you’ve done.” 

“He’ll be out eventually. I think. Evan, are you alive?” 

“No,” Evan answered. He flipped through a book Connor had given him earlier in the week.

“Okay, maybe not. It’s fine. Now Zoe, would you be willing to help me set up your brother with my best friend?” 

“Yes! Oh my god, this is perfect. Evan, before I leave you’re going to have a boyfriend.” 

Evan pulled his phone out of his pocket. Screw Jared and or Connor getting upset, if he was going to survive this weekend he was going to need Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i used to carry around a blanket in high school and lie down in the hallway because i just didnt care, someone who knew me took a picture and thats how my best friend yelled at me for something she didn't witness 
> 
> or in which connor and evan's actions are mine and definitely not what would happen in canon but yolo


	11. Chapter 11

Connor woke up to Zoe brushing his hair. He pushed her away and wondered why he was sore until he remembered he had fallen asleep on the floor. Evan was back on his bed sitting with Jared and Alana. The three of them were playing Mario Party. It was something Connor had grown used to over the past few weeks. Whenever the three of them were together they always ended up playing Mario Party. 

Jared was the first one to notice he had sat up. “Oh, you’re alive.” 

“Good evening, Connor. We were discussing dinner and wondered if you had any input?” 

Evan waved at him and went back to focusing on the game. If Connor was guessing characters right, then Evan was currently winning by three stars. Connor was proud.

“I don’t care.” He muttered running his fingers through his hair. Zoe handed him the hairbrush which he gladly took. He ran it through his hair in a much more destructive manner, hissing when he pulled on a particularly difficult knot. 

“That’s not good for your hair,” Zoe said, trying to take the brush back. Connor shifted away and continued his rampage until Evan spoke up. 

“You uh, you probably shouldn’t do that, Connor. I mean, if you want to I won’t stop you because it’s like, your decision but you probably shouldn’t.” 

Connor cursed under his breath because Evan was right. And because Connor couldn’t tell him no. He had only known Evan for a few weeks and he was already listening to the other boy's suggestions. Connor liked to imagine it was an improvement and not because Evan had Connor wrapped around his finger without knowing it. It was likely a mix of both. The psychiatrist he had found had told him he was doing better. But Evan also had Connor wrapped around his finger. Yeah, definitely a mix of both. He gave the brush back to Zoe who had Connor turn around so she could reach his hair better. 

“I don’t care isn’t exactly input, Connor.” Zoe worked the brush gently through his hair. It made sense, she had more experience with long-hair care. 

“How very observant of you. It’s almost like I don’t actually care what we get.” 

“Since Connor doesn’t care I’m voting on Bojangles.” Jared piped in. He was concentrating on the game yet still losing every minigame to Evan and Alana. Connor snickered at Jared’s muttered cursing. 

“J-Jared, we go there all the time.” It was true. Connor couldn’t even begin to count the number of times Jared had dragged the three of them to Bojangles since classes had begun. He didn’t hate it, he actually liked the place, but it was starting to get old. 

“Well unless you’ve got any better ideas it sounds like we’re going to Bojangles.” 

Alana took control of the situation before Connor could snap at Jared. “Zoe, how many people does your car hold?” 

“Four.” 

“Damn. Well, Evan’s also takes four. We can split up two and three and go somewhere off campus. We’re not limited to the options here.” 

“Oh my god, Alana, you’re a genius. Evan, what time does the Nickel close?” 

“Jared, that’s a bar.” 

“You’re right, it’s open till three. We’re going to the Nickel. I call riding with Alana and Zoe.” Jared shut off the Wii mid-game. Connor had a feeling it was less about going out and more about keeping Evan from actually winning. Neither Evan nor Alana complained so he didn’t say anything.

Connor and Zoe stood up from the floor. Connor stretched, popping his joints, much to Zoe’s chagrin. She winced at the sound and moved away from him. He smiled at her and started to crack his knuckles.

“I hate you.” She said, no real malice behind her words. “I’m going to stand in the hallway. Ten-thousand feet away from him.” Zoe walked into the hall. Alana joined her, followed by Jared. 

“Hurry up, losers, we’re getting garlic fries.” Jared let the door slam shut behind him. Connor had a feeling he did it out of spite.

“You um, you don’t have to ride with me if you don’t want to.” Evan was still sitting on Connor’s bed. Now that he was standing Connor could see Evan was wrapped up in a blanket. He seemed content to stay there. Connor briefly wondered how upset the others would be if he and Evan skipped. Alana wouldn’t mind, Jared would likely complain but get over it. The problem would come from Zoe. She drove all the way down here and probably wouldn’t be too happy if Connor skipped out on going out. 

Evan looked nervous. What had he said? Oh, that’s right. Evan was telling Connor he didn’t have to ride with him. “Zoe’s music is pretty terrible, plus I don’t think I’d be able to sit in a car with Jared without strangling him. Besides, it’ll be fun.” That seemed to be the right thing to say. Evan brightened up. He dropped the blanket from his shoulders and got off of Connor’s bed. 

“Jared might try and convince them to leave without us if we don’t hurry. It’s not that I don’t trust Jared and Alana with directions, it just we tried going to the beach last summer and ended up in the mountains.” 

Connor was both curious and impressed. He had seen firsthand the weird friendship the three of them had. None of them seemed like they fit together yet they all matched up in ways he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. 

“Right, well knowing Zoe they’d probably end up in California. I’m honestly surprised she made it down here.” 

“I HEARD THAT.” Came Zoe’s muffled voice through the door. Connor was certain they were going to get a noise complaint. Oh well. 

“Welp sounds like they’re still in the hallway. Guess we don’t have to worry about them getting lost after all. Better go before they try and navigate themselves just to spite us.” Was Connor instigating a fight? Probably. Did he care? Not at all. “Where exactly are we going?” He asked as he and Evan joined the other three in the hallway. 

“The Nickel is a bar we used to frequent in high school. Legally, of course. They serve very nice food there. Every Tuesday they sell wings half-off. Jared and Evan used to have competitions on who could eat the hottest. There were no winners in those.” 

“Pft, I won those. Alana doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” 

“Jared, you did not win. If someone has to be declared a winner, it’s Evan.” Jared was pouting. He did that a lot when he didn’t get his way. Connor didn’t find it annoying as he thought he would have. It was endearing. 

Jared looked like he was going to try and argue. Connor stopped him before he could start. “Alright, listen up. I don’t trust Zoe and after what Evan said I don’t trust you two. Evan will lead and you three follow. Got it?” Three heads nodded. “Cool. Zoe, you park in McIver?” Another nod. “Alright, meet us on Tate and we’ll hopefully not die.” 

Connor walked away from the three of them. Evan matched his pace. “You think they’re going to get lost, don’t you.” 

“I don’t think, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today on j leaves plot holes to be answered later
> 
> uploading is hard cause i have to switch browsers and im so lazy


	12. Chapter 12

“Do you and Zoe not talk much?” 

Connor choked on his own spit. Evan looked concerned but also like he wanted to laugh. 

“Uh, yeah not really.”

“How come? Oh my god that was rude. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. It’s not my place. Sorry.” 

Connor didn’t want to say. He didn’t want to Evan how he was a monster who threatened to kill his own sister in a middle of a stupid argument. He didn’t want to tell him that he spent three weeks in the hospital junior year because he tried to jump off a bridge but freaked halfway through and only ended up with a broken leg. But he also didn’t want Evan to feel like he overstepped. He didn’t want Evan to retreat on himself. He didn’t want to tell Evan the truth, but he needed to.

“Relax, you’re fine. It’s just,” Connor had a complicated relationship with his sister. He wasn’t sure how to explain it without sounding like a complete dick. To be fair he was a complete dick. He was also in the process of receiving a diagnosis. So he wasn’t a horrible person to just be a horrible person, it just felt like it. “I had a lot of trouble in high school, and Zoe, well she was on the receiving end of a lot of it.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. We grew apart, put up barriers to protect ourselves, and never let them down. I’m honestly surprised she came to visit me. I really thought once I was gone they were going to forget about me.” 

Evan frowned at him. Connor should have expected it. Evan still hadn’t gotten used to Connor’s self-deprecation and Connor doubted he ever would. 

“They’re still your family, they wouldn’t just forget about you.” 

“I was an awful person, Evan. Still am.” 

“But you’re trying to get better, isn’t that enough?” 

“I should have tried to get better years ago. When they put me in therapy the first time I just didn’t care. I didn’t try so they pulled me out. Everything just got worse after that. I snuck out to get high, came home drunk on more than one occasion. My parents should have given up on me.” 

“They didn’t. And that means something, right?” 

“Yeah, I guess it does.” 

“And Zoe’s visiting you. That must mean she’s willing to move on from that past, or at least give it a chance. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know what it’s like to feel alone, but you’re not alone. Not anymore. Even if it starts to feel like it, I’m here. And so is Jared and Alana. Jared might make a joke about it, but that’s just because he doesn’t handle serious situations very well.” 

Well fuck. Connor was about to start crying in Evan’s car. They hadn’t even made it out of the parking deck and he was already getting emotional. He hoped the rest of the night wouldn’t go like this. He had a reputation to uphold, then again the only person who knew about said reputation was Zoe and she cared less about it than he did. A subject change was overdue. Maybe something that wouldn’t have Connor spouting out his whole life story from the attempts to death threats. 

“We used to have a cat. Her name was Mittens. She was technically my mom’s cat, but liked Zoe and me better.” 

“Aww, that’s cute.” 

“I don’t think the word ‘cute’ belongs in any sentence relating back to me.” 

Evan shrugged. “I think they work fine together.” And Connor was choking again. It sounded like Evan was hitting on him, but that wasn’t possible. Evan was sweet and had a future. He couldn’t be flirting with Connor. That kind of thing just doesn’t happen. 

They went silent after that. The only sound inside of the car was coming from Evan’s radio. Connor decided he liked Evan’s playlist. It fit Evan, or how Connor saw Evan. An instrumental track had begun playing, one he knew Jared liked to listen to while studying. Connor wondered if Evan showed it to Jared or if Jared showed it to Evan. The second was more likely. 

“Do you see your sisters car, yet?” Connor looked out the back window. He didn’t see Zoe’s car. He was slightly worried, but only slightly. The other three were still in Greensboro. They had to be. There was no way, even with their awful navigation skills, that they had gotten lost leaving the parking deck. Connor refused to believe it. 

“Nope, but they’re fine I’m sure.” He wasn’t sure, but if he kept pretending they would be fine. Connor had noticed that was his attitude about most things these days. It was an improvement from high school where he didn’t even pretend things were okay. Unless it wasn’t an improvement. He wasn’t sure. He’d have to ask Dr. Nelson about that at his next appointment. 

“Oh gosh. I’m going to text Jared.” Evan made sure they were completely off the road before pulling out his phone to text Jared. Connor played with the radio. He didn’t change the music, but he changed the bass volume until the car was vibrating. Evan reached over and turned it back down. “They’re struggling to get out of the parking deck.” 

“Hah, losers. Let’s go to Pizza Hut and get cinnamon sticks. We don’t need them.” Connor wasn’t serious, but he was willing to pretend if Evan was. But Evan didn’t seem too keen on abandoning their friends to their own devices. 

“What if they actually get lost? What if they have to call the police to help and Zoe gets in trouble for kidnapping? She didn’t kidnap them, but the police won’t know what.” 

“I’m sure she’d survive prison.” That didn’t help. Evan wasn’t panicking, but he wasn’t not panicking. “Look, they’re going to be fine. They’re just having trouble getting out of the parking deck, right? They probably got caught up with the payment. If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that the system they use here is frustrating.” 

Evan’s phone buzzed. He checked it and then handed it to Connor. “Can you text Jared to have Zoe meet us on Gate City? It’ll be easier than Tate.” Connor hadn’t ridden in the car with Evan driving until today. Most of the time if they decided to go anywhere, which wasn’t often, they would take Connor’s car and Connor would drive. They hadn’t gone very far and Connor could already tell Evan was a safer driver than he was. 

“I’m gonna text him a picture of a chicken.” 

“Connor, no.” 

“Too late.” Connor saved the image from google and sent it to Jared with no context. He enjoyed the question marks and then reply of a duck. He showed the duck to Evan. Or tried to. Evan was more interested in not crashing the car. Connor sent Alana a picture of Callisto. She responded when a screenshot of her astronomy grade. 

“Are you still sending Jared chicken pictures?” 

“Nah. I’m gonna send him a picture of a guinea pig.” 

“Why are you like this?” 

“Because I’m living my best life. Zoe’s behind us, by the way.” 

Evan sighed and started driving. Connor laughed and sent Jared the Twilight movie poster. He also set Evan’s phone background to a picture of himself. He could apologize later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to kilala2tail for helping me come up with a playlist for evan
> 
> and also not calling me out for calling you something different everytime i thank you :)


	13. Chapter 13

Within three minutes of arriving, Connor decided he already liked the Nickel and was going to bug Jared about taking so long to let him know it existed. The five of them managed to arrive with minimal difficulties. At one point Evan and Connor had almost lost Zoe until Connor remembered she was a worse driver than he was and she ran a red light. It made him wonder why their parents trusted her to get the two of them to school alive. The alive part might not have been a part of why she drove, it might have just been the fact that she would get them to school. Connor had his bad habit of skipping when he drove. 

They took advantage of the nice weather to sit outside. Despite the reassurances of Jared, Alana, and Evan, Connor wasn’t convinced they weren’t going to be turned away. It seemed they hadn’t lied about frequenting the location in high school as the waitress recognized them and didn’t say anything about a bunch of eighteen-year-olds showing up. Connor sat between Jared and Evan with Zoe and Alana across from them. He began to regret his choice when Jared started balling up bits of his napkin to throw at Evan. Over Connor. They hit him more than once. Jared didn’t seem to mind. He just picked the bits of paper up and threw them again. 

Zoe noticed Connor’s annoyance. It was probably because she had grown up having to watch for when he was going to break. It didn’t make him feel good knowing that she had to go through that, it was the guilt Dr. Nelson mentioned he’d be feeling, but it was nice knowing someone knew to speak up.

“Jared, you’re being annoying. I haven’t told Alana what you said, but I can and I will.” 

“Oh god please don’t. Alana, she’s lying. I didn’t say anything to her. Evan, help. Call my mom. Call your mom. Call Sabrina, just save me.”

Evan ignored Jared’s plea. Alana looked more amused than anything. Connor was not amused because Jared tried throwing a piece of the napkin at Zoe. And it hit him. Again. It wasn’t Connor’s fault that his drink happened to knock over in front of Jared. It also wasn’t his fault that it fell in a way that it spilled on Jared. 

Jared screamed.

“Whoops.” Connor smiled and turned towards Evan. “Hi, Evan. How are you?” 

“I’m fine… Connor, did you just?” 

“Nope. No idea what you’re talking about.” 

“But it looked like-” 

“Oh, he knows what he did.” Zoe interrupted. She looked amused. That was a step up from the reaction Connor was expecting. He wouldn’t have been surprised if there had been yelling. And maybe threats of leaving. He liked this new Zoe. He also hoped she liked the new him. Except he wasn’t sure he had changed. He certainly felt more laid back than he had been in high school. He wasn’t ditching class or smoking pot on the weekends anymore but it didn’t feel like much had changed. Maybe things were different. Maybe Connor was doing better.

“Connor?”

“Hm?” 

“I asked if you were okay, you seemed kinda zoned out… not that zoning out isn’t okay. Zoning out is perfectly fine especially if you’re thinking. Oh my god, you were thinking about something weren’t you? I messed it up. I’m sorry.” 

Evan looked worried. And adorable. It wasn’t Connor’s fault that he ruffled Evan’s hair. It was just the natural reaction to Evan staring at him like that, with his eyes wide and filled with worry. Yeah, ruffling Evan’s hair was normal. Except everyone was staring at him. Good thing Connor was an expert at changing the subject. 

“Zoe, how’s senior year?”

“Oh my god, don’t even get me started on my teachers. Okay, so Mrs. Price…”

Connor zoned out again. It’s not that he didn’t want to listen to Zoe, but he spent the past four years zoning out the second she started to talk. It was just natural for him to lose focus.

He thoughts started to drift. He thought about Evan and their quickly blooming friendship. Except they weren’t quite friends. It felt like there was something more between them. Connor wasn’t sure what it was and he knew Evan didn’t know. Connor didn’t have much experience in the whole relationship department and from what Jared had told him, Evan didn’t either. It didn’t make things complicated but it didn’t make them easy either. 

From Evan, he thought about Jared because Evan and Jared went together. Connor liked Jared more than he thought he would. Jared was a bit too sarcastic and never thought before he talked but it was one of the things Connor liked about him. Jared was honest. Too honest sometimes. It had gotten him into multiple bad spots that Connor and Alana had to pull him out of.

Connor wasn’t sure what to think of Alana yet. She was nice, cared about her friends, and devoted to university. Alana didn’t hate him, at least not that he could tell, but she didn’t seem like she liked him either. She had saved his ass the one night a few weeks ago when he fucked up but they never really talked about it. Her first major impression of him was that he was a mess.

And that was the Connor that Zoe knew.

God. Connor had fucked that relationship up. It was damaged, likely beyond repair. She could visit him and they could play nice but neither of them would be able to get the image of him smashing his fists again her door out of their heads. Connor knew Zoe went to therapy about it. He found it ironic that the second Zoe needed therapy it was given to her when he had to go through years of pleading and three attempts before his parents were finally convinced. He didn’t hate them. He understood where they were coming from, sort of. Connor got his ability to ignore problems from someone after all. 

He tried focusing on the conversation again. Zoe was still talking. Everyone was laughing at something she was saying but Connor didn’t catch it. He felt like he was supposed to laugh but he couldn’t force one. He wished he hadn’t poured his water on Jared. His throat felt dry. Someone touched his arm. He thinks it might have been Evan but he couldn’t tell. Everything was fuzzy around the edges. 

_Deep breaths, Connor. Grab the table and focus on what’s happening._

Connor dug his nails into the table. 

“-lit teacher said we’re reading eight books over the semester. I regret signing up for an AP class.”

“I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully! If you need help understanding any of the material you can always text or call me.”

Zoe and Alana were still talking. Good. Connor could work with this. Jared looked like he was still listening to the conversation. Evan wasn’t. Evan was the one who was touching him. His hand was resting in Connor’s arm and he looked concerned.

“You okay?” Evan asked quietly. The girls and Jared didn’t notice. Jared had started sharing his own AO class stories. 

“Fine, just zoning out again.” 

“Like… disassociating?” Connor nodded. “I’m sorry. Does it happen a lot?”

“Not really, just feels really weird when it does.” 

“Are you two confessing your love for each other?”

Evan started coughing. Connor threw his arm around Evan and tried his best to look alert.

“Why, you want in?”

Jared pretended to gag. Connor was sure he was blushing and knew Evan probably was too. The situation wasn’t helping the whole “more than friends thing” but it was getting Jared off their back. 

“Sorry ‘bout that. Figured it’d be the quickest way to get Jared to back off.” 

“S’okay,” Evan whispered back. 

Connor tried focusing on Zoe again. He didn’t move his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back at school so my boys are too

**Author's Note:**

> *has retro ad, that hs superhero, and sincerely three one shots to be working on* you know what I need, another college story
> 
> https://discord.gg/Pwah8sR


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